My Journey into Motherhood

Hey Tribe,

I wanted to share something with you guys that I really haven't shared with anyone before, so let me be brutally honest with you guys...

Adapting into motherhood and realizing I had a bigger responsibility other than myself was not easy. After I found out I was pregnant with Félix , I had a few OMG! am I even ready to be a mother!? moments. Now, Félix was a planned decision and even though we decided to try I didn't realize I would still feel the way I felt. I think the hardest part after finding out we were pregnant, was feeling like I was not cut out to be a mother, yet. I was still in the middle of figuring out what I wanted to do in terms of my career. I was figuring out who I was as a woman and just didn’t think I would be good enough. These emotions lasted a few weeks before I was filled with a burst of excitement. I was overjoyed with the fact that I was about to become someone's mother. I was growing a little human inside of me.

After telling my family and my closest friends, it was beginning to feel real. Months went by as I grew this baby in my stomach and anticipated when the time would come for us to meet. Finally March came and my perfect little baby boy made his appearance into the world, and honestly the feeling is indescribable. He was everything and more. He made my heart feel complete and full of so much love. I could not take my eyes of off him as my midwives cleaned him up. That's when reality hit me you guys, I was no longer my own person, I will no longer go by my first name, I've become mom, mummy, mother. I’m somebody very important to this sweet little human.

During my first week home, I had no idea what I was doing. I wasn't sent home with a book with all the answers as to how to keep a baby alive, I just went with my heart, and listened to my inner strength. I was SO tired and nothing mattered to me other than my little boy. I slept on the couch for months with his little bassinet next to me. The nightly feedings, the diaper changes, the swaddling, the cuddling, the crying (both him & I), and the TV show marathons while he latched onto my painfully cracked breast and I fed him until he was milk drunk. I held him until my arms went numb, but didn't dare move a muscle since putting him down would wake him up.

All of it to me was so magical. I say magical because it felt so surreal. I'm doing something I've only dreamed about for a long time. Here I am being the sleep-deprived mother, here I am changing diapers, and here I am fighting through the painful cracked nipple feedings. And still, it was the most beautiful and meaningful thing I’ve ever done in my life and will ever do.

In my heart I truly believe becoming a mother, Félix 's mother, was my calling. My life needed him. My career is raising him and one day his siblings. I wrote the moment I laid my eyes on him that I would do everything in my power to teach him and show him how to be a decent human being. I hope one day he will be proud of the woman I am because Félix,  have and will continue to make me the woman I am meant to be. 

A Mother.

All images by Ashley Eve Photography